It’s Oscar time again, fellow film freaks—and what a cinetastic year it’s been! From outer space to Wall Street to the thrill of slavery, Hollywood really spoiled us silly over the past 12 months. So, in a desperate attempt to cure ourselves of Oscar fever, we’ve come up with our very own 2014 Oscar predictions. Enjoy!

Single on Valentine’s Day? Dry those eyes, you big dummy! Just because you’re flying solo on the most romantic day of the year doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy yourself like a normal human. Here are some tried and true tips for making the most of Valentine’s Day when you’ve got no one special in your life. And remember: don’t do anything we wouldn’t do!

After years of buildup and excitement, the 2014 Sochi Games finally kick off this Friday. To help you make the most of the upcoming 17 days of winter sports fun, we’ve compiled a list of fun facts about the XXII Olympic Winter Games. Nostrovia, everybody!

This year, one death and at least 15 injuries were reported across America as shoppers trampled over, slapped, and head-butted each other to score sweet Black Friday deals. So, what did you, the people of the Internet, make of all this retail chaos?

Comedy fans around the world rejoiced last week when the surviving members of legendary sketch troupe Monty Python announced they’d be reuniting and performing a series of shows next year in London. CNN commenter PeriSoft celebrated the news…

Last Friday, thousands of San Francisco residents took to the streets to help a five-year-old leukemia survivor realize his wish to be Batman for a day. During the day, “Batkid” foiled a mock bank robbery, captured The Joker, rescued a damsel in distress and apprehended The Penguin. Online reaction to the story was overwhelmingly positive—but not everyone was buying what Batkid was selling. 

Actress Angela Lansbury lost her cool last week when she criticized the upcoming reboot of ‘80s TV show Murder, She Wrote as “a mistake” because the original was so amazing and a reboot just won’t be the same. Huffington Post reader Jeff From Milwaukee weighed in on the controversy…

Last week, the United States killed Pakistani Taliban leader Hakimullah Mehsud in a drone strike. America’s continued use of drone strikes raises a lot of big questions, like: does killing terrorists this way inadvertently create more terrorists? And, isn’t all of it, you know, illegal? Huffington Post commenter ftuna2u2 addressed the strike and its consequences, posting:

“Boo-yah!”

Last week, in an interview that all of your friends posted on Facebook, British comedian Russell Brand declared he’d never voted, he hated capitalism, and that a revolution would soon sweep inequality away and leave a socialist egalitarian society in its wake. Heavy stuff! So, what did you think?

During a recent interview with 60 Minutes, former U.S. Vice President and torture enthusiast Dick Cheney revealed that he once feared that terrorists could use the defibrillator that had been implanted near his heart to kill him and had his doctor disable its wireless function. Sounds reasonable to me. But many Netizens weren’t so happy to hear from old Dick.

Last Friday, Malala Yousafzai, the remarkable Pakastani teenager who was nearly assassinated by the Taliban for speaking out for girls’ education, met with President Obama. During the meeting Malala asked Obama to stop drone attacks on Pakistan, arguing that education, not bombs, would end terrorism. So, what did you have to say about it?

The Best Online Comments on the Stories That Matter, Selected and Annotated by Michael A. Balazo.

Restore Our Anthem
My favorite song has always been “O Canada.” It’s got a wicked beat, a funky bass line, and its lyrics have always made me feel proud to be a son. But now, a group of prominent Canadian women including Sarah McLachlan, Margaret Atwood, and former Prime Minister Kim Campbell have gone public with the Restore Our Anthem campaign, which seeks to make the national anthem gender-neutral by changing the line “in all thy sons command” to “in all of us command.” Is this a reasonable request for inclusivity, or an attempt by a vicious girl gang to clip the Great White Balls off that proud symbol of Canadian masculinity, the Beaver? Let’s see what you had to say.

Put on your shades and wax down your surfboard, ’cause this week’s Culture War is all about F in the S (fun in the sun)! First up, make a beeline for the box office, because I’m giving you the official Culture War Summer Movie Preview. Movies not your thing? Not to worry! Maybe you’ll prefer my review of World Naked Bike Ride Day, an event that combines the poetry of cycling with the prose of jiggly genitals. So, let’s compare these two unrelated ideas and have ourselves a good, old-fashioned Culture War!

What a whirlwind week it’s been for today’s top stars. Jean Stapleton passed away, Michael Douglas unwittingly added to cunnilingus’ PR woes, and the usually elegant Patrick Stewart admitted he’s addicted to, of all things, pizza pie. But the two biggest bombshells came from world of music and the world of, uh, Dan Aykroyd. First, rock ‘n’ roll animal Lou Reed took a walk on the wild side of organ transplantation when he went and got himself a new liver. Talk about gritty New York cool! Next up, Canadian blues fan/vodka peddler Dan Aykroyd momentarily found himself on the wrong side of the law when Calgary police saw footage of him in what appeared to be a snuff movie. Just when you thought that genre couldn’t sink any lower, hey? So, without any further ado, let’s put Lou Reed up against Dan Aykroyd and see which of these two aged superstars wins this week’s Culture War.

Pop quiz! Spring is a time when a young person’s thoughts turn to: A) love, B) cool indifference or C) hot and juicy celeb gossip garnished with a liberal sprinklin’ of Scandal Sauce? If you said C, congratulations! Sit back and relax as I unload two highly pressurized streams of white-hot gossip all over your face.

First up, superstar singer George Michael made an unexpected career move when he fell out of a moving vehicle and rolled around on the highway for a little bit. What a litterbug! Meanwhile, in Cannes, legendary director and convicted sex offender Roman Polanski was the talk of the Croisette when he told reporters that gender equality was “idiotic.” Looks like someone just blew his shot at becoming BUST Magazine’s Man of the Year! Now, let’s compare these two spectacular stories and see which one wins this week’s Culture War.

It’s been a banner week for human civilization. A topless painting of Bea Arthur sold for $1.9 million, Denmark won the Eurovision contest with a song about crying, and, to top it all off, the mayor of Toronto made a really cool short film that’s getting tons of buzz. But all that stuff is nothing compared to the week’s two hottest stories. First up, Venezuela ran out of toilet paper. So, if you were thinking of taking the family on one of those all-inclusive Venezuelan bathroom tours, don’t. The second top story was soccer superstar David Beckham’s shocking announcement that he was ending his life—his life as a professional athlete, that is! Now, let’s contrast and compare these two stories and see which one is better through the magic of a Culture War™.

G’day, mates! This week, Culture War is taking a trip across the pond to Great Britain, where things are really shaking on the pop culture front. First off, throw up your devil horns and visit the registrar’s office, ’cause a college in England is offering the world’s first degree in heavy metal. Hopefully this will give metalheads the confidence to drone on endlessly about their favorite bands in a pseudo-intellectual fashion. Metal not your thing? Perhaps you’re more interested in pregnant women you’ve never met? Well, lucky you, because we finally have Kate Middleton’s due date! Get ready to mark it on your calendars, spray paint it on your loved ones, carve it into your foreheads. Now, let’s pit these two stories against each other in a good-natured death match that will leave the Union Flag spattered in the loser’s blood.

Quick: name a star who’s bigger than Tom Cruise, Scarlett Johansson and Beyoncé combined. Having trouble? You shouldn’t. The answer is obvious: mama! Sunday is Mother’s Day, and in honour of the occasion, I’m devoting part of this week’s column to Mother’s Day gift ideas. The other part belongs to Rucker—Darius Rucker, that is! Rock’s original bad boy (and former Hootie and the Blowfish mastermind) is about to squeeze a steaming hot new album out into the universe. I haven’t heard it yet, but I fully expect it to be the soundtrack to summer 2013. Anyhow, let’s compare these two exciting topics and see which one wins this week’s Culture War.

Hey, everybody! I just flew in from last week and, boy, are my arms terrified. Last week was a real doozy, with enough earthquakes, homicidal Elvis impersonators, explosions, and Tom Cruise movie premieres to scare the pants off even the most rational-minded pants owner. The only thing that didn’t happen was the invasion of earth by a super-intelligent race of aliens with multiple fire-breathing anuses. And thank God for that!

What a silly week it’s been. North Korea wants a nuclear war, bird flu is on the rise, and French “scientists” are telling young women to throw their bras in the garbage. No wonder Margaret Thatcher decided to pass away! But the two most alarming stories of the week came from the world of popular culture. First, the Kool-Aid Man has been given a CGI makeover and a new personality, and I feel like I’ve lost an old friend. And secondly, country singer Kid Rock raised eyebrows when he announced he was embarrassed to be a Republican. Your funeral, GOP! Let’s analyze these two stories and see which one wins this week’s Culture War!

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