It’s been an action-packed week here at Culture War HQ, aka the dumpster behind the massage parlour. A brief recap: Martha Stewart hinted she may have had a threesome, J. Lo sang for Turkmenistan’s delightfully-named dictator Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedoshe, and spaceman Chris Hadfield celebrated Canada Day by asking Twitter where he should stick a temporary tattoo. (I suggested BNL front man Ed Robertson’s throat, but, as usual, He ignored me.) The week’s most important stories, however, came from a pair of magazines.

Greetings, friends! It’s been a wonderful week, because two of my favorite cultural visionaries made the headlines. Few people have contributed as much good to civilization as these two gentlemen. Of course, I’m talking about the late Steve Jobs and Latino guitar legend Carlos Santana. First, the trailer for the Steve Jobs biopic, Jobs, hit the net. It’s like The Social Network, but slightly different. As for Carlos Santana, he just bought himself a $6.5 million fully automated mansion in Las Vegas. Typical millennial! So, let’s put these two legends up against each other and see who wins this week’s Culture War.

Greetings, friends! This week you can call me Mr. Yin-Yang, ‘cause I’m bringing you tales of darkness and light from the high-stakes world of showbiz. First up, the pitch black yin: the feud between Jon Bon Jovi and guitarist Richie Sambora continues to rage, leaving fans wondering if these two aging Italian-Americans will ever play hard rock together again. Let’s hope so; they’re very good at it! And now, the blinding yang: get your motor running and head out on the highway—to Eternal Salvation!—because His Holiness Pope Francis blessed hundreds of Harley Davidson motorcycles in Vatican City over the weekend. Pope Francis? More like Pope Easy Rider! So, let’s compare my dreary yin to my vibrant yang and see which one wins this week’s Culture War!

 

Put on your shades and wax down your surfboard, ’cause this week’s Culture War is all about F in the S (fun in the sun)! First up, make a beeline for the box office, because I’m giving you the official Culture War Summer Movie Preview. Movies not your thing? Not to worry! Maybe you’ll prefer my review of World Naked Bike Ride Day, an event that combines the poetry of cycling with the prose of jiggly genitals. So, let’s compare these two unrelated ideas and have ourselves a good, old-fashioned Culture War!

What a whirlwind week it’s been for today’s top stars. Jean Stapleton passed away, Michael Douglas unwittingly added to cunnilingus’ PR woes, and the usually elegant Patrick Stewart admitted he’s addicted to, of all things, pizza pie. But the two biggest bombshells came from world of music and the world of, uh, Dan Aykroyd. First, rock ‘n’ roll animal Lou Reed took a walk on the wild side of organ transplantation when he went and got himself a new liver. Talk about gritty New York cool! Next up, Canadian blues fan/vodka peddler Dan Aykroyd momentarily found himself on the wrong side of the law when Calgary police saw footage of him in what appeared to be a snuff movie. Just when you thought that genre couldn’t sink any lower, hey? So, without any further ado, let’s put Lou Reed up against Dan Aykroyd and see which of these two aged superstars wins this week’s Culture War.

Pop quiz! Spring is a time when a young person’s thoughts turn to: A) love, B) cool indifference or C) hot and juicy celeb gossip garnished with a liberal sprinklin’ of Scandal Sauce? If you said C, congratulations! Sit back and relax as I unload two highly pressurized streams of white-hot gossip all over your face.

First up, superstar singer George Michael made an unexpected career move when he fell out of a moving vehicle and rolled around on the highway for a little bit. What a litterbug! Meanwhile, in Cannes, legendary director and convicted sex offender Roman Polanski was the talk of the Croisette when he told reporters that gender equality was “idiotic.” Looks like someone just blew his shot at becoming BUST Magazine’s Man of the Year! Now, let’s compare these two spectacular stories and see which one wins this week’s Culture War.

It’s been a banner week for human civilization. A topless painting of Bea Arthur sold for $1.9 million, Denmark won the Eurovision contest with a song about crying, and, to top it all off, the mayor of Toronto made a really cool short film that’s getting tons of buzz. But all that stuff is nothing compared to the week’s two hottest stories. First up, Venezuela ran out of toilet paper. So, if you were thinking of taking the family on one of those all-inclusive Venezuelan bathroom tours, don’t. The second top story was soccer superstar David Beckham’s shocking announcement that he was ending his life—his life as a professional athlete, that is! Now, let’s contrast and compare these two stories and see which one is better through the magic of a Culture War™.

G’day, mates! This week, Culture War is taking a trip across the pond to Great Britain, where things are really shaking on the pop culture front. First off, throw up your devil horns and visit the registrar’s office, ’cause a college in England is offering the world’s first degree in heavy metal. Hopefully this will give metalheads the confidence to drone on endlessly about their favorite bands in a pseudo-intellectual fashion. Metal not your thing? Perhaps you’re more interested in pregnant women you’ve never met? Well, lucky you, because we finally have Kate Middleton’s due date! Get ready to mark it on your calendars, spray paint it on your loved ones, carve it into your foreheads. Now, let’s pit these two stories against each other in a good-natured death match that will leave the Union Flag spattered in the loser’s blood.

Quick: name a star who’s bigger than Tom Cruise, Scarlett Johansson and Beyoncé combined. Having trouble? You shouldn’t. The answer is obvious: mama! Sunday is Mother’s Day, and in honour of the occasion, I’m devoting part of this week’s column to Mother’s Day gift ideas. The other part belongs to Rucker—Darius Rucker, that is! Rock’s original bad boy (and former Hootie and the Blowfish mastermind) is about to squeeze a steaming hot new album out into the universe. I haven’t heard it yet, but I fully expect it to be the soundtrack to summer 2013. Anyhow, let’s compare these two exciting topics and see which one wins this week’s Culture War.

Hey, everybody! I just flew in from last week and, boy, are my arms terrified. Last week was a real doozy, with enough earthquakes, homicidal Elvis impersonators, explosions, and Tom Cruise movie premieres to scare the pants off even the most rational-minded pants owner. The only thing that didn’t happen was the invasion of earth by a super-intelligent race of aliens with multiple fire-breathing anuses. And thank God for that!

What a silly week it’s been. North Korea wants a nuclear war, bird flu is on the rise, and French “scientists” are telling young women to throw their bras in the garbage. No wonder Margaret Thatcher decided to pass away! But the two most alarming stories of the week came from the world of popular culture. First, the Kool-Aid Man has been given a CGI makeover and a new personality, and I feel like I’ve lost an old friend. And secondly, country singer Kid Rock raised eyebrows when he announced he was embarrassed to be a Republican. Your funeral, GOP! Let’s analyze these two stories and see which one wins this week’s Culture War!

Greetings! I write to you from a hotel in Los Angeles, the centre of the artistic universe, the birthplace of the great Shia LaBeouf, the home of the Brooklyn Dodgers. A lot of amazing stuff has happened over the past week, but one of the biggest stories was the 19th anniversary of Krist Novoselic’s retirement from music, or, if you like, Kurt Cobain’s death. The other biggie came from the fashion world, with the debut of drone-proof hoodies. Do they work? Well, I’m wearing one as I write this, and haven’t been bombed once. Let’s compare these two hot pieces of news and see which one wins this week’s Culture War!

Kurt Cobain
Last Friday marked the 19th anniversary of the time Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain mistook a shotgun for a can of whipped cream he’d hoped to squirt into his mouth. The grungescape has never been the same. Fans around the world celebrated the somber occasion online by creating the hashtag #shirtsforkurt, wearing Nirvana shirts and posting selfies on Twitter and Instagram. Which, if you’ll remember, is what he requested in his suicide note.

Hi, everybody! I’ve been taking the world’s cultural temperature all week, and boy is my thermometer dirty. Lots of fun stuff’s been happening, but two stories stand head and shoulders above the pack. First up: Jesus Christ. He rose from the dead over the weekend, which, even in our fast-paced Digital Age, is pretty impressive. And, on the secular front, 59-year-old Hollywood heartthrob John Malkovich released his own line of gentlemen’s beachwear. So, lock up your beaches! Now, let’s get down to it and find out which of these stories comes out on top in this week’s Culture War.

Like most people of my generation, I love to laugh my head off at funny comedians. That’s why it pains me to see this week’s Culture War contenders—Jay Leno and Kelsey Grammer—in such distress. As you know, poor Jay is once again fighting to keep his job as host of The Tonight Show. He’s reportedly so stressed that he yelled at his antique car collection. Things are even worse for Kelsey Grammer, who’s feuding with one of his many ex-wives over who gets to keep their bed. How are these two men supposed to make us laugh when they’re so busy crying?

Spring is almost here and I can’t wait. Soon we’ll have baby birds chirping and bunnies hopping and we’ll all go through puberty. What better time to put two of the week’s most exciting cultural news stories up against each other to see which one survives in a Culture War death match?

First up—hallelujah!—Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman are back! Yes, after a five-month separation, Hollywood’s #1 teensy supercouple has worked things out. Why, I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re making strenuous love in their child-sized bed as you read this. Equally exciting is the news that fabric-loving artist Christo has unveiled his latest work, a 295-foot-tall sculpture called the Big Air Package. To put this in context, it’s as big as 4,000 Danny DeVitos stacked on top of each other. Now that’s art.

Have you ever noticed how different Canada is from America? They have a “president,” while we have “Galen Weston, Jr.” They say “ruff,” while we say “roofarini.” But perhaps the biggest difference between our two proud nations is that we had Stompin’ Tom, while America had to settle for R. Kelly. Coincidentally, both of these R&B giants figured in last week’s hottest news stories.

First up, Stompin’ Tom made a widely unpopular career move in passing away at the age of 77. (Typical Canadian troublemaker!) And on the R. Kelly front, a group of concerned American citizens is petitioning the White House to officially replace “The Star Spangled Banner” with his 2003 hit “Ignition (Remix).” It’s hardly been up a week and it already has way more signatures than my petition to replace “O Canada” with Lil’ Kim’s “How Many Licks.”

This week, I’ve got music on the mind, baby! Do you like to rock? Me too! Sometimes I rock eight, nine, ten hours a day, if I have the energy. Don’t believe me? That’s OK. I still think you’re groovy, baby!

Pardon. My free-spirited alter ego, Fingers, seems to have hijacked the beginning of this week’s column. Anyhow, like he said, this week’s two big stories come from the glamorous world of music. First, Morrissey’s duck-based feud with Jimmy Kimmel shows no sign of waning. The Mozzer is reportedly so upset with Kimmel that he hasn’t styled his quiff in over a week. And secondly, the American unemployment rate is higher—and cooler—than ever now that Scott Weiland has been fired from his position with Stone Temple Pilots. Being a musical legend has never been more exciting.

Namaste, everybody! Last week was so crammed full of culture that looking at it hurt your damn eyes. But amidst all the excitement over the Oscars and Michael Haneke’s nip slip, you probably missed the week’s tastiest cultural nuggets. For instance, did you know that Michael Jackson’s son*, Prince Michael, made his debut as an Entertainment Tonight correspondent? Well, he did, so if you thought it was impossible to make Entertainment Tonight better, you were wrong. Another thing that happened? Michael Bay forgave Megan Fox for calling him Hitler and they plan to celebrate by making a Ninja Turtles movie together. Thank Christ!

I’d like to begin this week’s column with a shout-out to everyone who survived last week. If you weren’t crushed by a flaming meteor, murdered by Christopher Dornel or Oscar Pistorius, or driven to suicide by the hilarious tidal wave of Harlem Shake memes, you’re doing pretty well indeed. Compared to these nightmares, this week’s Culture War contenders are a breath of fresh air. First up is Pope Benedict XVI’s final Ash Wednesday mass. Did it live up to all the hype? Speaking of hype, did you hear the song that Canadian astronaut/moustache enthusiast Chris Hadfield recorded with the Barenaked Ladies? I did, and I’m going to tell you all about it. And then I’ll tell you which of these two stories is better. Because.

Hello, beautiful! Is your mother home? And does she have a sister? In other words, I’d like to spend some time alone with your aunt. OK! If I seem more amorous than usual, it’s because that little devil Cupid has mutilated my heart with a volley of razor-tipped arrows, like some love-obsessed baby warlord. Which brings us to one of this week’s biggest stories: St. Valentine’s Day, a.k.a. Sex Christmas. Are you ready to get your smooch on?

The week’s other big story is… snow. You know, that flakey ice water that falls from the sky when it gets cold out? Snow was one of last week’s biggest social media stars, and, frankly, it’s about time.

Pages